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A modest proposal
 
for a post-9/11 America
 

By JOSEPH AUDIE

We the American people, concerned for the safety of our property — the White House, the Capitol building, the Pentagon, and all other government buildings and facilities; and equally concerned for the safety of our servants and employees — the president, congressmen, senators, government bureaucrats and workers, and military personnel; and mindful of the perpetual and ubiquitous threat posed by Muslim terrorists, think it wise, nay demand, that henceforth, all employees and servants of the people, including their children and any other companions, be subject to random searches and seizures at security checkpoints at key points on the people's property, and especially when entering said property.

In remembrance of 9/11 and out of reverence for those who died in the attacks, and given the truism that everything changed after 9/11, we the people further insist that the random security checks include the use of nude-body-imaging back-scatter X-ray machines. Should one of our employees or servants, attempting to enter our property, object to such reasonable and essential security procedures — no doubt because of selfishness, a casual disregard for the safety of others, or latent sympathies for al Qaeda — he or she will be subject to an enhanced pat-down procedure that will include but not be limited to a thorough and invasive physical examination of the genitalia, buttocks, and, in the case of women, breasts. Any attempt to discuss our security procedures with security personnel or to leave a secured area, even if asked to leave by a security official, will be met with a wildly disproportionate use of force, absurdly large fines, and, possibly, enhanced interrogation, otherwise known as torture, as well as imprisonment — all for their own good.

Our servants and employees have our word that the images we collect will not be saved, distributed, or leaked, and that we will not laugh at, joke about, or become sexually aroused while viewing their private parts. They also have our word that we will not use the enhanced pat-down procedures to humiliate, degrade, sexually objectify, or otherwise undermine them. And they have our word that the security procedures have nothing to do with the exercise of arbitrary power and conditioning people to accept a virtual prison planet. In addition, we give them our word — our word — that the X-ray back-scatter machines are safe and that nobody stands to make money from their manufacture, sale, and use.
 

Moreover, should some half-retarded CIA-recruited patsy — we mean highly trained al Qaeda terrorist — try and stick a bomb up his anus, we the American people are prepared to move fast and make the sacrifices necessary to secure our property and the safety of our servants by extending our security procedures to include full and maximally invasive body-cavity searches.

The people declare in one unified voice that they are concerned for the safety of their property, the safety of their government servants and employees, and the safety of children in general, and are going to take any and all steps to ensure the victory of freedom — admittedly, a new kind of freedom (vide Mr. Orwell) — over Islamofascism. For the new freedom to triumph, and for Sharia to be banished from America, a conceptual change in the psyche of our servants and employees, a revolution in their basic world view, must be wrought. They must be made to realize that there is no higher good than security, that there is never any reason to object to any security procedure, that anything and everything must be done to reduce the odds, even by an infinitesimally small amount, of a bomb going off on the people's property, that if a security precaution is technically possible it is therefore morally permissible.

Our servants must be disabused of such antiquated notions as inalienable rights, objective morality, human dignity, and freedom from arbitrary search and seizure. Rather, they must embrace the principles of a new kind of freedom: that all are assumed guilty until proven innocent, that rights come from man, and that they can be abrogated by man. They must learn that freedom — again, the new kind that is required to defeat Bin Laden — exists in direct proportion to the number of maximally intrusive security checkpoints at publicly owned buildings and facilities.

The employees and servants of the people must further realize that their positions as senators and congressmen, as bureaucrats and as soldiers, as president and as vice president, are privileges and not rights — privileges bestowed upon them by the people and privileges that can be modified and revoked by the people. Our servants must be made to understand that while sexual harassment laws, child-pornography laws, sexual assault and molestation laws, and other relevant laws will be applied to them, the people must be exempted from such laws to better protect us and our property. Our servants must be made to realize that while we might trust them, we certainly don't trust the terrorists.

Indeed, we are concerned that some crafty little terrorist, perhaps after slipping through our unsecured and porous border with Mexico, will, unbeknownst to a poor and unsuspecting senator, sew a bomb into the senator's underwear, a bomb that will detonate upon his arrival at the White House — one of the people's most cherished properties. That may seem to be a wild, crazy, and silly scenario, with no basis in fact, but if there is one chance in a trillion we must adopt measures to prevent it. We the people must resolve to make it physically impossible!

The people also see no reason that the above security procedures cannot be extended to protect our other employees and property assets. For example, mandatory and random nude-body-screening of our public school employees seems like a wonderful idea. After all, it's possible that an al Qaeda operative, posing as a teacher of Islamic studies, or even as an eighth-grade math teacher, might try to blow himself up in a classroom. Likewise, the development of nude-body-scanners suitable for private home use seems to be a great idea. Such scanners could be used to protect the people from Islamofascist thugs posing as mailmen or police officers.
 

Going forward, it seems as though the sky is the limit. The twisted but imaginative mind, totally detached from oppressive reality, and reasoning from the false and evil premises characteristic of modern society, can invent all manner of new technologies and applications to thwart al Qaeda. Imagine the new freedom that awaits us! — a new freedom in which the people can finally learn, strictly for security purposes, of course, whether some of our female public servants really have the hour-glass shapes and body dimensions suggested by their official pictures.

In closing, we again remind our readers that the people's property and the people's servants are faced with the shadowy, ominous, and never-ending threat of Islamic terrorism. Taking sage guidance from the Soviets and the National Socialists, and rejecting the platitudinous nonsense of Madison and Jefferson, we the people resolve to protect our property and the lives of our servants through the use of freedom-enhancing limitations on freedom and through the use of manifestly evil means to secure objectively good ends. A glaringly false choice is before us: the random use of nude-body-scanners and the groping of women and children — or the rise of the Caliphate on American soil. We the people have resolved to choose the former.

Incidentally, like the TSA, we the people, once again in the name of security, are determined to make a mockery of our own security efforts by providing a regularly updated online list of the facilities that employ nude-body-scanners. Ω

December 6, 2010 

Published in 2010 by WTM Enterprises.
 

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