This document resource is a
Special Civics Guide
recommended by the TLD Task Force
for Teaching Responsible Citizenship
in the State Training Centers.

January 30, 2007


Incurious George goes to Capitol Hill
The State of the Union address for 2007

Translated by DAVID T. WRIGHT


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"The bottom line is we're having enormous successes and we'll continue to have enormous successes."
— Dick Cheney, heard on C-Span Radio, January 27, 2007, reporting from Planet Zelgar III on the war against the Iraqis.
Things haven't been going well for Emperor Bush, as the country begins to wake up to the godawful mess he has made of things since he got his sticky little hands on the controls.

The midterm elections swept away the Republican congressional majorities that allowed him to strut as "the Decider." His Washington support is reduced to a shrinking band of hangers-on, reluctant Republican legislators, and neo-Trot Svengalis. His remaining grassroots constituencies consist of the hardest core of the brain-dead Rush Limbaugh-addicted "conservative movement" and the most fanatical of the Armageddonist evangelical Protestants.

Thus, it was a curiously subdued George who went before the cameras on January 10 to make his case for augmenting the number of troops in Iraq, in a final, desperate attempt to make it look as if there's a hope for victory there. It was clear from his demeanor that a few molecules of reality had finally seeped through the dense layers of bone in his skull. Apparently, somewhere in the cramped recesses of his mind, an awareness that he has made a complete and total pig's breakfast of the war on the Iraqis had somehow flickered dimly to life.

He was, no doubt, beginning to contemplate the probability that his treatment by historians will make Jimmy Carter look like Bismarck, Bill Clinton like Talleyrand, and Idi Amin like Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Gone was the arrogant, swaggering frat boy. In his place was an odd creature resembling a bewildered capuchin monkey tranked to the gills on Valium. The stench of flop sweat hung over his presentation, and the result was not the hoped-for "bump" in the polls, but a sickening ooze downward.

As a result, Bush's handlers must have worked desperately to retool his performance for the State of the Union address on January 23. And the results were apparent. While by no means relaxed or comfortable, he managed to make it through the ordeal with the air of a man who needs only a good dose of Milk of Magnesia to feel a whole lot better.

He was helped by the Republican congressional minority, who obviously had been ordered to jump to their feet like crazed jacks-in-the-box and applaud at the slightest excuse. According to the news media, which cover politics exactly the same way they cover professional sports, the Congressians applauded more than 60 times. It was exhausting just to watch, and it proved that successful politicians are willing to make thorough asses of themselves just to stay in the game. They are not people like us, folks.

Herewith, the Emperor's address, with translations into everyday English where appropriate. (In pursuit of maximum irritation, I have preserved all the fatuously ceremonial capitalization in the official transcript — State, Nation, Chamber, and so forth.)

Thank you very much. Tonight, I have a high privilege and distinct honor of my own — as the first President to begin the State of the Union message with these words: Madam Speaker. [Nancy Pelosi responds with an extraordinarily goofy schoolgirl grin.]

In his day, the late Congressman Thomas D'Alesandro, Jr., from Baltimore, Maryland, saw Presidents Roosevelt and Truman at this rostrum. But nothing could compare with the sight of his only daughter, Nancy, presiding tonight as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Congratulations.

We should both be proud. Only in America or your typical banana republic could a couple of dullards like us reach the very pinnacle of power, using nothing but utter ruthlessness, a corrupt electoral system, and our family connections.
Two members of the House and Senate are not with us tonight — and we pray for the recovery and speedy return of Senator Tim Johnson and Congressman Charlie Norwood.

Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

This rite of custom brings us together at a defining hour — when decisions are hard and courage is tested. We enter the year 2007 with large endeavors underway, and others that are ours to begin. In all of this, much is asked of us.

We enter the year 2007 with two huge ongoing fiascos in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I'm crazy enough to want to start a war with Iran.
We must have the will to face difficult challenges and determined enemies — and the wisdom to face them together.
Write me some noble JFK-type language. I want everybody to see me as another Churchill — striding over the ruins of Coventry Cathedral with a noble look of determination on my face. "Their finest hour," and all that crap.
Some in this Chamber are new to the House and Senate — and I congratulate the Democratic majority [as if I had a choice]. Congress has changed, but our responsibilities have not. Each of us is guided by our own convictions [interests and obligations to patrons] — and to these we must stay faithful. [Each of us must be guaranteed our cut.] Yet we are all held to the same standards, and called to serve the same good purposes: To extend this Nation's prosperity ... to spend the people's money wisely ... to solve problems, not leave them to future generations ... to guard America against all evil, and to keep faith with those we have sent forth to defend us.
We're all out for the same thing: To extend our own power and prosperity ... to find new ways to squeeze money out of the taxpayers for our own use ... to paper over awkward problems with "solutions" that safely delay the inevitable ... to guard Israel from the consequences of her evil, and to pretend we care about the dumb suckers we have sent into foreign meat grinders to do our dirty work.
We are not the first to come here with government divided and uncertainty in the air. Like many before us, we can work through our differences and achieve big things for the American people. Our citizens don't much care which side of the aisle we sit on — as long as we are willing to cross that aisle when there is work to be done.
I'm not used to kissing Democrat butt, and I don't like it much.
Our job is to make life better for our fellow Americans, and help them to build a future of hope and opportunity — and this is the business before us tonight.
Our job is to keep the proles quiescent with the usual mix of rhetoric, useless "initiatives," and government handouts, while taking care of ourselves and our friends.
A future of hope and opportunity begins with a growing economy — and that is what we have. We are now in the 41st month of uninterrupted job growth — in a recovery that has created 7.2 million new jobs ... so far. Unemployment is low, inflation is low, and wages are rising. This economy is on the move — and our job is to keep it that way, not with more government but with more enterprise.
Actually, real wages have been falling since the 1970s, the vast majority of job growth is in service-type jobs with little potential for growth, and the only reason that prices haven't gone through the roof from the Fed's rampant inflation of the currency is that the Chinese have been buying Treasury bills as fast as we can print them. And the inverted yield curve on long-term vs. short-term bond interest rates indicates that the economy is on the move, all right — into a recession. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it'll wait until my term is over, but I don't know ...
Next week, I will deliver a full report on the state of our economy. Tonight, I want to discuss three economic reforms that deserve to be priorities for this Congress.

First, we must balance the Federal budget. We can do so without raising taxes.

My special assistant Tinkerbell assures me that adequate stockpiles of fairy dust are on hand to accomplish this vital task.
What we need to do is impose spending discipline in Washington, D.C.
I am sure that all those present will agree that such an effort would be no more difficult than wading naked through a cage full of enraged wolverines.
We set a goal of cutting the deficit in half by 2009 — and met that goal three years ahead of schedule.
Well ... not exactly. Remember, the billions upon billions of dollars disappearing into the Iraqi maelstrom aren't included in the formal budget. But why nitpick?
Now let us take the next step. In the coming weeks, I will submit a budget that eliminates the Federal deficit within the next five years. I ask you to make the same commitment. Together, we can restrain the spending appetite of the Federal Government, and balance the Federal budget.
In the coming weeks, I will submit a budget in the grand tradition of presidential "balanced budgets." It will use various tricks, illusions, lies, and subterfuges to hide and disavow expenditures, inflate expected revenues, and overestimate economic growth. It will funnel funds to Republican friends and deny them to Republican enemies.

There will then follow an extended period of whining, finger-pointing, overheated rhetoric, and in-committee catfights.

The Democrats in Congress will accuse me of strangling all that is good and wholesome in favor of "tax-breaks for the rich," "corporate welfare," and other atrocities against the honest working man. They will introduce their own budget, which will use various tricks, illusions, lies, and subterfuges to hide and disavow expenditures, inflate expected revenues, and overestimate economic growth. It will funnel funds to Democrat friends and deny them to Democrat enemies.

In turn, I and the Republicans in the Congress will accuse the Democrats of holding up progress toward the mythical "balanced budget" in favor of subsidies to nude "performance artists," welfare queens, crack whores, and other enemies of all decent Americans.

Meanwhile, the vast majority of subsidies, procurements, and pork barrel and other expenditures, supported by both parties, will be quietly renewed and expanded in every budget bill. After a huge, protracted battle, entire Zeppelins of hot air, and rivers of crocodile tears, a budget will be approved that takes care of everyone's special interests, and the tax squeeze will be tightened on the average American in the name of "fiscal responsibility."

Next, there is the matter of earmarks. These special interest items are often slipped into bills at the last hour — when not even C-SPAN is watching. In 2005 alone, the number of earmarks grew to over 13,000 and totaled nearly $18 billion. Even worse, over 90 percent of earmarks never make it to the floor of the House and Senate — they are dropped into Committee reports that are not even part of the bill that arrives on my desk. You did not vote them into law. I did not sign them into law. Yet they are treated as if they have the force of law. The time has come to end this practice. So let us work together to reform the budget process ... expose every earmark to the light of day and to a vote in Congress ... and cut the number and cost of earmarks at least in half by the end of this session.
This whole "earmarks" issue has got out of hand in the press, so something's got to be done. Together we're going to have to figure out a way to keep the gravy train running while fighting to use the "earmarks" issue each to our political advantage.
Finally, to keep this economy strong we must take on the challenge of entitlements. Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid are commitments of conscience — and so it is our duty to keep them permanently sound. Yet we are failing in that duty — and this failure will one day leave our children with three bad options: huge tax increases, huge deficits, or huge and immediate cuts in benefits. Everyone in this Chamber knows this to be true — yet somehow we have not found it in ourselves to act. So let us work together and do it now. With enough good sense and good will, you and I can fix Medicare and Medicaid — and save Social Security.
You and I know we'll do nothing substantive to address the problems of the Social Security Ponzi scheme. But that's not a failure as far as we're concerned. Sure, the public's children will be socked with all three bad options: huge tax increases, huge deficits, and huge cuts in benefits. But not our kids. They'll never have to worry about depending on Social Security or paying for medical care.
Spreading opportunity and hope in America also requires public schools that give children the knowledge and character they need in life. Five years ago, we rose above partisan differences to pass the No Child Left Behind Act — preserving local control, raising standards in public schools, and holding those schools accountable for results. And because we acted, students are performing better in reading and math, and minority students are closing the achievement gap.
Preserving and expanding state power requires a mandatory public school system that indoctrinates children in the dependence, passivity, and blind obedience we need in our subjects. Five years ago Republicans and Democrats colluded to pass the No Child Left Alone Act, which preserves local control of schools by requiring them to meet all kinds of federally mandated conditions — including racial "performance" quotas — and putting the screws to them when they don't. And because we acted, public schools now devote more and more of their resources to training their barely civilized little charges to pass arbitrarily mandated tests, while manipulating test scores to simulate "progress" and continuing to graduate ignorant savages — the ideal outcome.

Let's not forget also that the Act requires high schools to allow military recruiters onto the premises and provide them with details about students, thus fulfilling their role as suppliers of cannon fodder for the Imperial war machine. But that's not something we want to boast about openly, is it?

Now the task is to build on this success, without watering down standards ... without taking control from local communities ... and without backsliding and calling it reform. We can lift student achievement even higher by giving local leaders flexibility to turn around failing schools ... and by giving families with children stuck in failing schools the right to choose something better. We must increase funds for students who struggle — and make sure these children get the special help they need. And we can make sure our children are prepared for the jobs of the future, and our country is more competitive, by strengthening math and science skills. The No Child Left Behind Act has worked for America's children — and I ask Congress to reauthorize this good law.
Now the task is to carve this pernicious nonsense into stone, making sure that local communities will never again have the slightest chance to run their schools the way they see fit. And I call myself a conservative!
A future of hope and opportunity requires that all our citizens have affordable and available health care. When it comes to health care, government has an obligation to care for the elderly, the disabled, and poor children. [I am a "compassionate conservative"! See?] We [well, actually, the suffering taxpayer] will meet those responsibilities. For all other Americans, private health insurance is the best way to meet their needs. But many Americans cannot afford a health-insurance policy.
Funny how health care used to be a lot more affordable before the state got involved, isn't it? But no one's supposed to remember or know about those days. And if you think things are bad now, wait until my new proposals are implemented!
Tonight, I propose two new initiatives to help more Americans afford their own insurance. First, I propose a standard tax deduction for health insurance that will be like the standard tax deduction for dependents. Families with health insurance will pay no income or payroll taxes on $15,000 of their income. Single Americans with health insurance will pay no income or payroll taxes on $7,500 of their income. With this reform, more than 100 million men, women, and children who are now covered by employer-provided insurance will benefit from lower tax bills. [But don't hold me to that number.]
Heaven forbid that we should simply allow people to deduct medical expenditures from their taxable incomes! Or worse, from their taxes! That would start to look a little too much like real freedom.
At the same time, this reform will level the playing field for those who do not get health insurance through their job.
That's the job of the state, after all — to level the playing field by making everybody worse off.
For Americans who now purchase health insurance on their own, my proposal would mean a substantial tax savings — $4,500 for a family of four making $60,000 a year. And for the millions of other Americans who have no health insurance at all, this deduction would help put a basic private health insurance plan within their reach. Changing the tax code is a vital and necessary step to making health care affordable for more Americans.
Changing the tax code is a vital and necessary step to co-opting the Democrats on the health-care issue. Of course, what I'm leaving out is that a lot of people will lose health-insurance deductions under this plan as well, as we juggle deductions to make this measure "fiscally responsible." The state giveth, and the state taketh away.

Moreover, those with very low, or zero, taxable incomes to start with — i.e., the very poor — aren't going to benefit too much from any nifty H&R Block-style deductions. But who cares about them?

At the same time, as inflation increases nominal incomes, more and more Americans will be paying a higher and higher proportion of their income in taxes.

My second proposal is to help the States that are coming up with innovative ways to cover the uninsured. States that make basic private health insurance available to all their citizens should receive Federal funds to help them provide this coverage to the poor and the sick. I have asked the Secretary of Health and Human Services to work with Congress to take existing Federal funds and use them to create "Affordable Choices" grants. These grants would give our Nation's Governors more money and more flexibility to get private health insurance to those most in need.
I have asked the Secretary of Health and Human Services to collude with the Democrats to use the taxpayers' money to force the states to interfere in the health-care system even more than they are now, thus raising costs and increasing the outcry for more government interference in the health-care system.
There are many other ways that Congress can help. We need to expand Health Savings Accounts [while making sure we don't allow people genuine control over their own money] ... help small businesses through Association Health Plans [forcing yet more mandates and requirements on them] ... reduce costs and medical errors with better information technology [providing the regime with a handy database we can use to snoop into people's health secrets] ... encourage price transparency [good thing I don't have to explain how to do that, because I haven't a clue] ... and protect good doctors from junk lawsuits by passing medical liability reform [those lousy trial lawyers don't give enough campaign money to Republicans]. And in all we do, we must remember that the best health-care decisions are made not by government and insurance companies, but by patients and their doctors [who are told what to do by government and insurance companies].

Extending hope and opportunity in our country requires an immigration system worthy of America — with laws that are fair and borders that are secure. When laws and borders are routinely violated, this harms the interests of our country. To secure our border, we are doubling the size of the Border Patrol — and funding new infrastructure and technology.

You and I know this will do little to stem the tide of illegal border crossings. But there is a silver lining. The eventual result of the whole immigration and border-security mess will be that document beloved of imperial regimes everywhere: the internal passport. Achtung! Your papers, please!
Yet even with all these steps, we cannot fully secure the border unless we take pressure off the border — and that requires a temporary-worker program. We should establish a legal and orderly path for foreign workers to enter our country to work on a temporary basis. As a result, they won't have to try to sneak in — and that will leave border agents free to chase down drug smugglers, and criminals, and terrorists. We will enforce our immigration laws at the worksite, and give employers the tools to verify the legal status of their workers — so there is no excuse left for violating the law.
We will put the onus on small-business employers to prove that their employees are not illegal immigrants, thus raising their costs and making them reluctant to hire Hispanics. Then we'll clobber them with anti-discrimination lawsuits. A one-two punch! Meanwhile, big business will be able to absorb the costs and will embrace the program as being "socially responsible." The little guy gets it in the gut again!
We need to uphold the great tradition of the melting pot that welcomes and assimilates new arrivals. And we need to resolve the status of the illegal immigrants who are already in our country — without animosity and without amnesty.
We all know there will be another immigration amnesty. It's just that my dwindling grass-roots constituency doesn't like the idea.
Convictions run deep in this Capitol when it comes to immigration. Let us have a serious, civil, and conclusive debate — so that you can pass, and I can sign, comprehensive immigration reform into law.
Let's put together some slapdash immigration legislation that placates as many interest groups as possible without actually changing anything that would threaten the supply of cheap foreign labor for my friends in Big Business. I'm still hoping that all those Hispanic immigrants will become Republicans if we just give them enough special privileges and gifts at the taxpayers' expense.
Extending hope and opportunity depends on a stable supply of energy that keeps America's economy running and America's environment clean. For too long our Nation has been dependent on foreign oil. And this dependence leaves us more vulnerable to hostile regimes, and to terrorists — who could cause huge disruptions of oil shipments ... raise the price of oil ... and do great harm to our economy.
Terrorism is the gift that keeps on giving to lovers of state power and mercantilism.
It is in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply — and the way forward is through technology. We must continue changing the way America generates electric power — by even greater use of clean coal technology ... solar and wind energy ... and clean, safe nuclear power. We need to press on with battery research for plug-in and hybrid vehicles, and expand the use of clean diesel vehicles and biodiesel fuel. We must continue investing in new methods of producing ethanol — using everything from wood chips, to grasses, to agricultural wastes.
Autarky has worked for North Korea, and we can make it work for us!
We have made a lot of progress, thanks to good policies in Washington and the strong response of the market. Now even more dramatic advances are within reach. Tonight, I ask Congress to join me in pursuing a great goal. Let us build on the work we have done and reduce gasoline usage in the United States by 20 percent in the next 10 years — thereby cutting our total imports by the equivalent of three-fourths of all the oil we now import from the Middle East.
We have spread around a lot of the taxpayers' money, thanks to the bipartisan enthusiasm for "alternative energy" industry subsidies and the strong response of corporations and cooperatives to the chance to scoop up free cash through this latest boondoggle. Now even more dramatic wastefulness is possible, through an even more grandiose scheme designed to funnel even more goodies to giant agribusinesses such as Archer Daniels Midland, moribund auto companies such as General Motors, and smaller ventures that never would have existed in the first place without the "alternative energy" government honey pot. Let us build on the work we have done and increase our base of campaign contributors while ultimately raising energy costs through the resulting distortion of the markets.
To reach this goal, we must increase the supply of alternative fuels, by setting a mandatory Fuels Standard to require 35 billion gallons of renewable and alternative fuels in 2017 — this is nearly five times the current target. At the same time, we need to reform and modernize fuel-economy standards for cars the way we did for light trucks — and conserve up to 8.5 billion more gallons of gasoline by 2017.
Did I ever say I was in favor of free enterprise? Well, did I?
Achieving these ambitious goals will dramatically reduce our dependence on foreign oil, but will not eliminate it. So as we continue to diversify our fuel supply, we must also step up domestic oil production in environmentally sensitive ways. And to further protect America against severe disruptions to our oil supply, I ask Congress to double the current capacity of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve.
If we attack Iran and screw up oil production in the Gulf as badly as we screwed it up in Iraq, U.S. consumers will be hurting.
America is on the verge of technological breakthroughs that will enable us to live our lives less dependent on oil. These technologies will help us become better stewards of the environment — and they will help us to confront the serious challenge of global climate change.
If these technological breakthroughs were economically feasible, one would think we wouldn't have to do anything but sit back and allow them to happen. Mandatory "Fuels Standards" would be unnecessary. But then what would be the benefit to you, me, and our campaign contributors?
A future of hope and opportunity requires a fair, impartial system of justice.
The preservation and expansion of state power require the illusion of a fair, impartial system of justice.
The lives of citizens across our Nation are affected by the outcome of cases pending in our Federal courts. And we have a shared obligation to ensure that the Federal courts have enough judges to hear those cases and deliver timely rulings. As President, I have a duty to nominate qualified men and women to vacancies on the Federal bench. And the United States Senate has a duty as well — to give those nominees a fair hearing, and a prompt up-or-down vote on the Senate floor.
C'mon guys. Can't we all just be friends, and get my nominees approved? Pleeease?
For all of us in this room, there is no higher responsibility than to protect the people of this country from danger.
There is no higher responsibility than to go looking for ways to embroil the people of this country in foreign conflicts.
Five years have come and gone since we saw the scenes and felt the sorrow that terrorists can cause. We have had time to take stock of our situation. We have added many critical protections to guard the homeland. We know with certainty that the horrors of that September morning were just a glimpse of what the terrorists intend for us — unless we stop them.
We know with certainty that the horrors of 9/11 were just a glimpse of what my reckless, messianic policies will bring down on the heads of Americans — unless somebody stops me first.
With the distance of time, we find ourselves debating the causes of conflict and the course we have followed. Such debates are essential when a great democracy faces great questions. Yet one question has surely been settled — that to win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy.
But first we have to manufacture more enemies to take the fight to.
From the start, America and our allies have protected our people by staying on the offense. The enemy knows that the days of comfortable sanctuary, easy movement, steady financing, and free-flowing communications are long over. For the terrorists, life since 9/11 has never been the same.
You can say that again. The Empire has destroyed its international credibility, made enemies around the globe, brought its legions to the brink of collapse, and damaged its own economy by pursuing a fruitless war that serves as a recruiting campaign for Islamic terrorists of all stripes. I'm the best friend Osama bin Laden ever had.
Our success in this war is often measured by the things that did not happen. We cannot know the full extent of the attacks that we and our allies have prevented — but here is some of what we do know: We stopped an al Qaeda plot to fly a hijacked airplane into the tallest building on the West Coast. We broke up a Southeast Asian terrorist cell grooming operatives for attacks inside the United States. We uncovered an al Qaeda cell developing anthrax to be used in attacks against America. And just last August, British authorities uncovered a plot to blow up passenger planes bound for America over the Atlantic Ocean. For each life saved, we owe a debt of gratitude to the brave public servants who devote their lives to finding the terrorists and stopping them.
I'm telling you that we accomplished all these things, but the public will never know whether any of it is true or not. For all they know, the plot to blow up passenger planes was a couple of kids with too much time on their hands making idle boasts. But we've got to keep the public terrified.
Every success against the terrorists is a reminder of the shoreless [now that's what I pay my speechwriters for!] ambitions of this enemy. The evil that inspired and rejoiced in 9/11 is still at work in the world.
I.e., the state of Israel and the "neoconservatives."
And so long as that is the case, America is still a Nation at war.
In the minds of the terrorists, this war began well before September 11, and will not end until their radical vision is fulfilled. And these past five years have given us a much clearer view of the nature of this enemy. Al Qaeda and its followers are Sunni extremists [Extremists! That means they're bad people!] possessed by hatred and commanded by a harsh and narrow ideology. [Hatred and narrow ideologies are bad! ... except when they're our own.] Take almost any principle of civilization, and their goal is the opposite. [Apple pie, fuzzy bunnies, shopping malls, SUVs — you name it, they're against it.] They preach with threats ... instruct with bullets and bombs ... and promise paradise for the murder of the innocent.
On the other hand, we preach with gentle persuasion ... instruct with airdrops of daisies and teddy bears ... and award fat contracts to firms such as Blackwater and Halliburton for supporting us in the murder of the innocent. Osama's paradise is pie in the sky, but the profits from no-bid "defense" contracts can buy a pretty good facsimile right here on Earth.
Our enemies are quite explicit about their intentions. They want to overthrow moderate governments [U.S. vassal states] and establish safe havens from which to plan and carry out new attacks on our country. By killing and terrorizing Americans, they want to force our country to retreat from the world and abandon the cause of liberty.
By killing and terrorizing Americans, they want to force the Empire to mind its own business. Fat chance.
They would then be free to impose their will and spread their totalitarian ideology.
Instead we must be free to impose our will and spread our totalitarian ideology.
Listen to this warning from the late terrorist Zarqawi: "We will sacrifice our blood and bodies [such cowards!] to put an end to your dreams, and what is coming is even worse." And Osama bin Laden declared: "Death is better than living on this Earth with the unbelievers among us."
Death is better than living on this Earth with unbelievers in "democracy" among us. Especially since it's other people doing the dying.
These men are not given to idle words, and they are just one camp in the Islamist radical movement. In recent times, it has also become clear that we face an escalating danger from Shia extremists [Extremists! That means they're baaad!] who are just as hostile to America, and are also determined to dominate the Middle East. [The fact that they actually live there is no excuse!] Many are known to take direction from the regime in Iran [but I can't tell you how we "know" this], which is funding and arming terrorists like Hezbollah — a group second only to al Qaeda in the American lives it has taken.
Of course, these are the same Shia "extremists" that are represented by that precious democratically elected Iraqi government. And don't forget the "Salvador Option," under which the CIA trained and equipped some of the very death squads that are causing so much of violence now.

And let's pass quietly over the fact that the American lives taken by Hezbollah were those of Imperial troops occupying Lebanon and killing Lebanese in support of a murderous Israeli invasion of that country. Remember, our enemies are terrorists because they are bad, and they are bad because they are terrorists.

The Shia and Sunni extremists are different faces of the same totalitarian threat.
Totalitarian. That means bad. Shia and Sunni extremists are totalitarian because they're bad. And they're bad because they're extremists. And they're extremists because they're willing to fight to stop us meddling in their affairs. And that's bad.

Totalitarian, though, doesn't mean denying habeas corpus, wiretapping without warrants, throwing U.S. citizens in prison for years without charges and subjecting them to sensory isolation until they lose their minds, or any other of the unconstitutional horrors my regime is perpetrating on the American people, because we're good. And we're good because we're American, and we stand for freedom. And freedom is good, and it means doing what I say. Because I'm in charge. I'm the Decider. That's democracy, and democracy is good.

But whatever slogans they chant [Bad people chant slogans. We repeat witty catch phrases, such as "New Way Forward," and "Surge," and "Mission Accomplished."], when they slaughter the innocent, they have the same wicked purposes. They want to kill Americans ... kill democracy in the Middle East ... and gain the weapons to kill on an even more horrific scale.
On the other hand, when we slaughter the innocent, our purposes are good. We want to force "democracy" — which means following our orders — down the throats of ungrateful ragheads. As for killing on a horrific scale, how about those AC-130 gunship attacks on dirt-poor Somali villages? Those things can pulverize an area the size of a football field before the poor sand-rats on the ground know what hit them. Old women, donkeys, chickens, mud huts, little kids, you name it — Poof! Splat! And all to get just one guy! Now that's what I call a surgical strike!
In the sixth year since our Nation was attacked, I wish I could report to you that the dangers have ended.
"I wish." What a laugh. If there weren't any dangers, how could I be the second coming of Winston Churchill?
They have not. And so it remains the policy of this Government to use every lawful and proper tool of intelligence, diplomacy, law enforcement, and military action to do our duty, to find these enemies, and to protect the American people.
It remains the policy of this Regime to use every underhanded and dishonest tactic to provoke even more conflict: for example, by kidnapping Iranian diplomats in Irbil, sending more ships to the Persian Gulf, and making a huge issue out of Iran's mythical nuclear weapons program. (Remember the Weapons of Mass Destruction? I do, and I'm doing the exact same thing again! And it's working again!) This is all lawful and proper, because lawful means whatever I say it means. My attorney general told me so.
This war is more than a clash of arms [nice phrase, that — speechwriter stole it from Patrick Henry's famous "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" speech. Heh, heh. I'd point out how exquisitely ironic it is, only my intellect is so limited that I have no sense of irony at all.] — it is a decisive ideological struggle, and the security of our Nation is in the balance. To prevail, we must remove the conditions that inspire blind hatred, and drove 19 men to get onto airplanes and come to kill us.
Let's see. Bin Laden said that the reasons for the September 11 attacks were 1) U.S. support for Israel's oppression of the Palestinians, 2) the murderous blockade of Iraq that was killing thousands of civilians, mostly children, through malnutrition, bad water, and lack of medical supplies, and 3) U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia. Washington pulled its troops out of Saudi Arabia, but the Empire has more than made up for that by its craven, fawning support for Israel's recent rampage through Lebanon and by its own catastrophic occupation of Iraq.
What every terrorist fears most is human freedom — societies where men and women make their own choices, answer to their own conscience, and live by their hopes instead of their resentments.
What every politician hates most is human freedom — societies in which men and women make their own choices, answer to their own conscience, and live by their hopes instead of their resentments. Freedom makes it bloody hard to manipulate them through greed, envy, fear, and bitterness. We've got that covered, though. Thanks to my regime's attacks on what was left of the Constitution, using terrorism as an excuse, the United State is becoming less free every day. Thanks, Osama!
Free people are not drawn to violent and malignant ideologies — and most will choose a better way [a better way than freedom, that is] when they are given a chance. [And we help them make the right choice by putting a gun to their head.]

So we advance our own security interests by helping moderates, reformers, and brave voices for democracy.

We advance our imperial agenda abroad by colluding with quislings, warlords, informers, shills, secret police, gangsters, and other betrayers of their own peoples — just as we do here at home.
The great question of our day is whether America will help men and women in the Middle East to build free societies and share in the rights of all humanity. And I say, for the sake of our own security ... we must.
The great question of our day is whether the Empire will succeed in smashing all those who oppose us in the Middle East, and establish vassal regimes that bow to our majesty and do our — and Israel's — bidding.
In the last two years, we have seen the desire for liberty in the broader Middle East — and we have been sobered by the enemy's fierce reaction. In 2005, the world watched as the citizens of Lebanon raised the banner of the Cedar Revolution ... drove out the Syrian occupiers ... and chose new leaders in free elections.
And then we supported the Israelis in 2006 as they ran amok murdering civilians and smashing everything the Lebanese had built in their recovery from the Israeli invasion of the 1980s — using U.S.- supplied weapons, of course. The Israelis destroyed buildings, bridges, and roads; strafed civilian cars; rocketed ambulances carrying civilian wounded; blew up civilian fuel depots; polluted beaches; and generally did their worst to turn Lebanon into a bleeding, impoverished wasteland. The thousands of cluster bomblets they scattered will be blowing off children's arms and legs for years to come. Talk about terrorism! But the Lebanese should be happy, right? They had free elections!

The Palestinians had free elections too, but they freely elected people we don't like. Therefore we and the Israelis are punishing them with brutal sanctions that inflict terrible misery on innocent civilians. This "free election" business is more complicated than you might think.

In 2005, the people of Afghanistan defied the terrorists and elected a democratic legislature.
Of course, it's a legislature that has no real authority, because actual control of the country is divided up among various warlords. But for my propaganda purposes, that doesn't matter one bit.
And in 2005, the Iraqi people held three national elections — choosing a transitional government ... adopting the most progressive, democratic constitution in the Arab world ... and then electing a government under that constitution. Despite endless threats from the killers in their midst, nearly 12 million Iraqi citizens came out to vote in a show of hope and solidarity we should never forget.
Unfortunately, after the elections, U.S. troops didn't leave the way the Iraqis were hoping they would. Sorry, guys. Now the Shiites, who are sympathetic to our next Great Enemy, Iran, are in charge, and the Sunnis are pretty well shafted, with government "security" forces murdering them in the streets. So much for hope and solidarity.
A thinking enemy watched all of these scenes, adjusted their tactics, and in 2006 they struck back.
Cue Orson Welles: "... Intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic regarded this Earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us." These people are evil, disgusting, and alien, see?
In Lebanon, assassins took the life of Pierre Gemayel, a prominent participant in the Cedar Revolution.
Note that I don't say who those assassins were. That's because we don't know or aren't telling, although there is evidence that the Israeli Mossad may have done it as a provocation.
And Hezbollah terrorists [Terrorists! That means they're bad, see?], with support from Syria and Iran, sowed conflict in the region and are seeking to undermine Lebanon's legitimately elected government.
Actually, Hezbollah is part of Lebanon's legally elected government! And they "sowed conflict" by taking an Israeli soldier prisoner in an attempt to ransom innocent Lebanese civilians abducted by the Israeli army, and by resisting the Israeli terror bombing of Lebanon. But Americans don't pay attention to details like that, and the Ministry of Truth (the news media) doesn't point them out. So I can lie all I want.
In Afghanistan, Taliban and al Qaeda fighters tried to regain power by regrouping and engaging Afghan and NATO forces. [They're doing a pretty good job of it too. They've taken control of much of southeastern Afghanistan.] In Iraq, Al Qaeda and other Sunni extremists [Extremists are bad, remember!] blew up one of the most sacred places in Shia Islam — the Golden Mosque of Samarra. This atrocity, directed at a Muslim house of prayer, was designed to provoke retaliation from Iraqi Shia — and it succeeded. Radical Shia elements, some of whom receive support from Iran, formed death squads. The result was a tragic escalation of sectarian rage and reprisal that continues to this day.
Actually, it's not clear who blew up the mosque. And some of those Shia death squads were trained and equipped by the CIA to get rid of those Sunni "dead-enders" who have been causing us so much trouble.
This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but it is the fight we are in. Every one of us wishes that this war were over and won [so we could get on with starting the next war]. Yet it would not be like us to leave our promises unkept, our friends abandoned [Yeah, right. Tell that to Saddam Hussein, Manuel Noriega, Ngo Dinh Diem, the Bay of Pigs invaders, and all the other U.S. clients we've betrayed, heh, heh!], and our own security at risk. Ladies and gentlemen: On this day, at this hour, it is still within our power to shape the outcome of this battle.
All we are sayyy-ying is give mass murder a chaaance!
So let us find our resolve, and turn events toward victory.
Okay then. Another chance.
We are carrying out a new strategy in Iraq — a plan that demands more from Iraq's elected government, and gives our forces in Iraq the reinforcements they need to complete their mission. Our goal is a democratic Iraq that upholds the rule of law, respects the rights of its people, provides them security, and is an ally in the war on terror.
We are carrying out a new strategy in Iraq — a plan that is basically the same as the old strategy in Iraq, because we really don't have a strategy and never did. Our goal is an obedient vassal state that upholds the rule of the Empire, crushes domestic opposition, and leaves us free to make war on Iran and Syria.
In order to make progress toward this goal, the Iraqi government must stop the sectarian violence in its capital.
That's right. We starved the Iraqis for years, then smashed the old order, occupied their country, and provoked the violence, but it's the Iraqi government's fault that things are going to hell. I slay myself, I really do.
But the Iraqis are not yet ready to do this on their own. [No laughing!] So we are deploying reinforcements of more than 20,000 additional soldiers and Marines to Iraq [under Operation Drop in the Bucket]. The vast majority will go to Baghdad, where they will help Iraqi forces to clear and secure neighborhoods and serve as advisors embedded in Iraqi Army units. With Iraqis in the lead, our forces will help secure the city by chasing down terrorists, insurgents, and roaming death squads. And in Anbar province — where Al Qaeda terrorists have gathered and local forces have begun showing a willingness to fight them — we are sending an additional 4,000 United States Marines, with orders to find the terrorists and clear them out.
Any resemblance I have to Hitler in the bunker issuing orders to non-existent divisions is purely unintentional.
We did not drive al Qaeda out of their safe haven in Afghanistan only to let them set up a new safe haven in a free Iraq.
Actually, as I mentioned, we didn't drive al Qaeda out of Afghanistan at all. But do you think anyone important will point out that little contradiction?
The people of Iraq want to live in peace [well, we've taken care of that for a long while], and now is the time for their government to act. Iraq's leaders know that our commitment is not open-ended. They have promised to deploy more of their own troops to secure Baghdad — and they must do so. They have pledged that they will confront violent radicals of any faction or political party. They need to follow through, and lift needless restrictions on Iraqi and Coalition forces, so these troops can achieve their mission of bringing security to all of the people of Baghdad.
If al-Maliki would just get on the ball, we could have this thing over with by Christmas.
Iraq's leaders have committed themselves to a series of benchmarks [Benchmarks. Yeah. Just like in those self-help management books Cheney's always going on about.] to achieve reconciliation — to share oil revenues among all of Iraq's citizens [not to mention U.S. oil companies] ... to put the wealth of Iraq into the rebuilding of Iraq [through U.S. construction companies, of course] ... to allow more Iraqis to re-enter their nation's civic life ... to hold local elections ... and to take responsibility for security in every Iraqi province. But for all of this to happen, Baghdad must be secured. And our plan will help the Iraqi government take back its capital and make good on its commitments. [They showed me a dynamite PowerPoint!]
Think about that for a minute. The United State has been fighting in Iraq for longer than it took to defeat the Japanese and the Germans in World War II. And they still haven't been able to pacify the capital city. In fact, the violence continues to accelerate. The Iraqi armed forces and police are, to be blunt, pathetic, and many of their members belong to the same militias that are murdering people in the streets. Meanwhile, our military equipment is wearing out, morale among our soldiers and marines is terrible and getting worse, and the American people are fed up. Yeah, this'll work.
My fellow citizens, our military commanders and I have carefully weighed the options [and I have fired or forced into retirement every one of them that dared disagree with me]. We discussed every possible approach [except making peace and getting the hell out]. In the end, I chose this course of action [I chose it! Me! I'm the Decider!] because it provides the best chance of success. Many in this Chamber understand that America must not fail in Iraq — because you understand that the consequences of failure would be grievous and far-reaching.
In the end, I chose this course of action because it's the only one open to me without admitting that the invasion of Iraq was a colossal blunder. The Empire must not fail in Iraq until I am no longer president and there is someone else to take the blame — because the consequences of failure would be grievous and far-reaching to my self-esteem and to the Republican party.
If American forces step back before Baghdad is secure, the Iraqi government would be overrun by extremists [bad extremists!] on all sides. We could expect an epic battle between Shia extremists backed by Iran, and Sunni extremists [remember, extremists are bad!] aided by al Qaeda and supporters of the old regime. [Why won't those dead-enders give up already, the way Dick said they would?] A contagion of violence could spill out across the country — and in time the entire region could be drawn into the conflict.
Baghdad will never be secure as long as American forces are there, because they are the cause of the violence. When they leave, which is inevitable, there may indeed be an epic battle between various factions and a contagion of violence spilling out across the country. That will be my fault, because I led the Empire into a predictably disastrous war on the Iraqis. But I will never admit my own responsibility for the suffering, death, poverty, and destruction I have visited on millions of people who never did anything to us and never posed a threat to us. And so thousands more people — Iraqi and American — must die, and billions more dollars must be wasted. Meanwhile, I'm doing my best to draw Iran and Syria into the conflict.
For America, this is a nightmare scenario [as if the situation in Iraq today isn't]. For the enemy, this is the objective. Chaos is their greatest ally in this struggle. And out of chaos in Iraq would emerge an emboldened enemy with new safe havens ... new recruits ... new resources ... and an even greater determination to harm America.
Out of the chaos I have fostered in Iraq will inevitably emerge an emboldened enemy with new safe havens ... new recruits ... new resources ... and an even greater determination to harm America. That will be the devastating result of my hubris.
To allow this to happen would be to ignore the lessons of September 11 and invite tragedy. And ladies and gentlemen, nothing is more important at this moment in our history than for America to succeed in the Middle East ... to succeed in Iraq ... and to spare the American people from this danger.
The lessons of September 11 mean nothing to me; if they did, I'd never have invaded Iraq. Nothing is more important in this moment in our history than preserving my "legacy" from the consequences of my own folly.
This is where matters stand tonight, in the here and now. I have spoken with many of you in person. I respect you and the arguments you have made. [I don't give a damn what you losers say. I'll do what I want. I'm the Decider!] We went into this largely united — in our assumptions, and in our convictions. [We went into this mess all knowing that the excuse for invasion was a load of bunk.] And whatever you voted for, you did not vote for failure. [You certainly didn't vote for success if you had any brains in your head.] Our country is pursuing a new strategy in Iraq — and I ask you to give it a chance to work. [I ask you to give me a chance to get safely retired before the roof falls in.] And I ask you to support our troops in the field — and those on their way.
I ask you to allow me to send more troops into the Iraqi meat grinder, and continue the policies that have left those already there with inadequately armored vehicles, no coherent strategy, and no hope for victory.
The war on terror we fight today is a generational struggle that will continue [with any luck] long after you and I have turned our duties over to others. That is why it is important to work together so our Nation can see this great effort through. Both parties and both branches should work in close consultation. [I'd like to tell you all to kiss my grits, but because the Democrats won the election I've got to make a show of seeking cooperation.] And this is why I propose to establish a special advisory council on the war on terror, made up of leaders in Congress from both political parties. We will share ideas for how to position America to meet every challenge that confronts us. And we will show our enemies abroad that we are united in the goal of victory.
That's right! Another useless "blue ribbon commission" like the Iraq Study Group that I told to go to hell. I really have a tin ear when it comes to this stuff, don't I?
One of the first steps we can take together is to add to the ranks of our military — so that the American Armed Forces are ready for all the challenges ahead. Tonight I ask the Congress to authorize an increase in the size of our active Army and Marine Corps by 92,000 in the next five years.
Conscription, here we come! In any case: 92,000 more troublemakers!
A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps. Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. And it would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time.
We can't recruit enough young suckers into uniform to serve in the Iraqi hellhole, so let's recruit some older suckers as roadside-bomb bait.
Americans can have confidence in the outcome of this struggle [that is to say, in the Empire's utter defeat and humiliation] — because we are not in this struggle alone. [Tony Blair has really gone out on a limb for me.] We have a diplomatic strategy that is rallying the world to join in the fight against extremism. [Hello! Anybody home? Hey! I can see you in there! Don't try to hide from me.] In Iraq, multinational forces are operating under a mandate from the United Nations [unfortunately, the multinational soldier is down with the trots right now] — and we are working with Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and the Gulf States to increase support for Iraq's government.
"Um, liyeek, sorry. We've already made plans to wash our hair ... No, tomorrow we've got to baby-sit for cousin Ahmed. Have you tried Kyrgyzstan? I'll bet she's not doing anything."
The United Nations has imposed sanctions on Iran [after we twisted a lot of arms], and made it clear that the world will not allow the regime in Tehran to acquire nuclear weapons. [It's déjà vu all over again.]

With the other members of the Quartet [isn't that precious?] — the U.N., the European Union, and Russia — we are pursuing diplomacy to help bring peace to the Holy Land [by supporting Israel's efforts to drive the Palestinians completely out of the West Bank and Gaza], and pursuing the establishment of a democratic Palestinian state living side-by-side with Israel in peace and security.

All that remains to accomplish that is to turn the remaining Palestinians into exiles or corpses. That'll be some great chamber music for the "Quartet."
In Afghanistan, NATO has taken the lead in turning back the Taliban and al Qaeda offensive — the first time the Alliance has deployed forces outside the North Atlantic area. [Of course, technically they're not really turning it back. It's more like the other way around.] Together with our partners in China, Japan, Russia, and South Korea, we are pursuing intensive diplomacy to achieve a Korean Peninsula free of nuclear weapons. [Our bull-in-a-china-shop approach guarantees success!] And we will continue to speak out for the cause of freedom in places like Cuba, Belarus, and Burma — and continue to awaken the conscience of the world to save the people of Darfur.
Talk is cheap, especially if it'll keep those crazy Miami Cubans and tiresome liberal sob-sisters off my back.
American foreign policy is more than a matter of war and diplomacy. [Interesting choice of words, isn't it?] Our work in the world is also based on a timeless truth: To whom much is given, much is required. We hear the call to take on the challenges of hunger, poverty, and disease — and that is precisely what America is doing. We must continue to fight HIV/AIDS, especially on the continent of Africa — and because you funded our Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, the number of people receiving life-saving drugs has grown from 50,000 to more than 800,000 in three short years. I ask you to continue funding our efforts to fight HIV/AIDS. I ask you to provide $1.2 billion over five years so we can combat malaria in 15 African countries. I ask that you fund the Millennium Challenge Account ["Millennium" as in "millennialism"], so that American aid reaches the people who need it, in nations where democracy is on the rise and corruption is in retreat. And let us continue to support the expanded trade and debt relief that are the best hope for lifting lives and eliminating poverty.
What do I care? It's not my money.
When America [sic] serves others in this way, we show the strength and generosity of our country. These deeds reflect the character of our people. The greatest strength we have is the heroic kindness, courage, and self-sacrifice of the American people. [The greatest strength the ruling classes have is the heroic passivity, blindness, and self-delusion of the American people.] You see this spirit often if you know where to look — and tonight we need only look above to the gallery.
Right. Time for the sucker parade.
Dikembe Mutombo grew up in Africa, amid great poverty and disease. He came to Georgetown University on a scholarship to study medicine — but Coach John Thompson got a look at Dikembe and had a different idea. [No spit, Sherlock!] Dikembe became a star in the NBA and a citizen of the United States. But he never forgot the land of his birth — or the duty to share his blessings with others. He has built a brand-new hospital in his hometown. A friend has said of this good-hearted man: "Mutombo believes that God has given him this opportunity to do great things." And we are proud to call this son of the Congo our fellow American.
Lookee, I got me an African in a suit. I can use him to make myself look broad-minded and good-hearted.
After her daughter was born, Julie Aigner-Clark searched for ways to share her love of music and art with her child. So she borrowed some equipment, and began filming children's videos in her basement. The Baby Einstein Company was born — and in just five years her business grew to more than $20 million in sales. In November 2001, Julie sold Baby Einstein to the Walt Disney Company, and with her help Baby Einstein has grown into a $200 million business. Julie represents the great enterprising spirit of America. And she is using her success to help others — producing child-safety videos with John Walsh of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Julie says of her new project: "I believe it's the most important thing that I've ever done. I believe that children have the right to live in a world that is safe." We are pleased to welcome this talented business entrepreneur and generous social entrepreneur — Julie Aigner-Clark.
Too bad "Baby Einstein" wasn't around when I was a kid. I might have learned how to tie my shoelaces before I was 9 years old.
Three weeks ago, Wesley Autrey was waiting at a Harlem [see, that means he's black, get it?] subway station with his two little girls, when he saw a man fall into the path of a train. With seconds to act, Wesley jumped onto the tracks ... pulled the man into a space between the rails ... and held him as the train passed right above their heads. He insists he's not a hero. Wesley says: "We got guys and girls overseas dying for us to have our freedoms. We got to show each other some love." [That's a black guy I'm quoting.] There is something wonderful about a country that produces a brave and humble man like Wesley Autrey.
I swear I didn't make that up. It was in the papers! See, Wesley says U.S. forces are fighting over there so we can have our freedoms. And he's a hero, so he should know. And he's black, too!
Tommy Rieman was a teenager pumping gas in Independence, Kentucky, when he enlisted in the United States Army. [Thank heaven for dead-end service jobs!] In December 2003, he was on a reconnaissance mission in Iraq when his team came under heavy enemy fire. From his Humvee, Sergeant Rieman returned fire — and used his body as a shield to protect his gunner. He was shot in the chest and arm, and received shrapnel wounds to his legs — yet he refused medical attention, and stayed in the fight. He helped to repel a second attack, firing grenades at the enemy's position. For his exceptional courage, Sergeant Rieman was awarded the Silver Star. And like so many other Americans who have volunteered to defend us, he has earned the respect and gratitude of our whole country. In such courage and compassion, ladies and gentlemen, we see the spirit and character of America — and these qualities are not in short supply.
Thanks for coming, kid. Now shut up and disappear. And don't give us any lip.
This is a decent and honorable country — and resilient, too. We have been through a lot together. We have met challenges and faced dangers, and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence — because the State of our Union is strong ... our cause in the world is right ... and tonight that cause goes on.
This country'd better be resilient, because I've got two more years to go, and I'm going to keep on doing things my way no matter what the polls say.
Thank you.
I'm still here, Poppy!

January 30, 2007

Published 2007 WTM Enterprises.

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