THE LAST DITCH -- Douglas Olson — FREAK SHOW #17


Freak show #17


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Self-hating harridan

While being bused to the 2005 Martin Luther King, Jr., holiday festivities in Columbus, Georgia, Atlanta-area resident Gwen Stewart was deeply, mortally offended by something she saw: One of the policemen working overtime to provide security for the event was eating a piece of fruit provided by his department — a banana! It freaked out Ms. Stewart so badly that she complained to police on the scene. Quite rightly, they refused to take her seriously. She then called the mayor of Columbus, who later advised the press that Ms. Stewart had declared the scene "an affront to me and to others, including a former state senator," whom she refused to name. Incredibly, the mayor apologized, and when Ms. Stewart demanded it in writing, he sent a letter of apology, although he told the local paper that "our officers did no wrong."

This classic freak then wrote to her congressman to raise hell, and that unworthy officeholder (Rep. Tom Price, a Republican) took the ranting seriously enough to ask the city for copies of correspondence with his demented constituent.

The best part is that, at last report, Ms. Stewart was still refusing to say just why she was so upset about seeing someone eat a banana. Talk-show host Neal Boortz advised: "She says that people ought to know why that's offensive, and if they don't know, then they should just go and find out."

But we know, don't we?

"Of course he's a nigger. He's from Harlem."

In a magazine interview earlier this year, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.), who represents Harlem, referred to Bill Clinton's winning the presidency as "a hell of a move to make for a redneck, which is all he was." When asked during an ensuing radio appearance whether he really thought Clinton was a redneck, Rangel sneeringly replied, "Of course he is. He's from Arkansas." Almost immediately afterward, this shameless bigot had the cojones to demand an apology from new Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean for a joke about Republicans having a hard time getting blacks to a meeting without bringing in the hotel staff.

Politics as usual

Ali Joho, losing candidate for a seat in Kenya's parliament, has asked that the election be nullified because the winner was seen the night before, sewing up the eyes of some cows and then drowning them to cast a spell on voters. Some wags have suggested that U.S. Democrats are investigating the possibility of using similar charges against the GOP in 2006.

The Bell Curve in action

Wayne Brightly, a black $59,000-a-year teacher in the Bronx, repeatedly failed his state certification examination. Faced with losing his job, he paid a "developmentally disabled" and formerly homeless white man two dollars to take the test for him. Not only did the substitute pass, but his score was so much higher than the Negro had ever approached that a resulting investigation uncovered the deception.

No tolerance of "diversity"

Wisconsin State Senator Spencer Coggs, a Negro, pronounced himself shocked and dismayed when a high school band performing at the chamber's inaugural ceremony played a few bars from the song "Dixie." The offending notes were actually part of an equal-opportunity compilation called "American Trilogy," originally popularized by Elvis Presley, which also includes "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" (offensive to good Southerners) and an old Negro spiritual, "All My Trials." No proponent of equal time or true "diversity," Coggs demanded an apology and advance censorship of all musical numbers at such events.

Compelling argument

Judith Clark, 55, who participated in a murderous 1981 armored car robbery to fund a "Republic of New Afrika" in the American South, is currently serving a 75-year prison sentence. She is now suing for release, claiming that she was deprived of a basic constitutional right. According to her petition, when the trial judge consented to Ms. Clark's insistent demand to act as her own attorney, he violated her sacred right to competent counsel.

World-class leader

Bingu wa Mutharika, president of the miserable, poverty-stricken African nation of Malawi, has fled his 300-room presidential mansion because he fears it is haunted. The $100-million palace was built in 1975 by President-for-Life Hastings Banda, who refused to live in it after learning that it had been built on an ancient burial ground. Mutharika, 73, is a former economist with the World Bank — and his vote in the United Nations counts just as much as your country's!

World-class liar

In a recent verbal excretion, Al Sharpton demanded: "Why don't we have a constitutional amendment on lying, George Bush?" It's a pity so few remember that the "reverend" gained his first media attention by lying shamelessly, outrageously, continually, and — according to a jury — libelously about the Tawana Brawley kidnapping/rape hoax. Apparently, Sharpton thinks everybody has forgotten about his gutter origins — or is so afraid of being called "racist" that they won't mention it.

"Diversity" — code word for "black"

Eddie Jordan, New Orleans' first black district attorney, is now in court defending himself against a race discrimination lawsuit. Plaintiffs are 44 of the 53 white former employees whom he summarily fired and replaced with blacks when he assumed his position in 2003. "This is not discrimination," Jordan said of the mass firings, which created a non-lawyer staff that was 80 percent black. "This is a political effort to create diversity."

Caveat piscator

A Zimbabwe businesswoman is suing a musician who charged her 35 million Zimbabwe dollars ($5,000 in real money) to fly five invisible mermaids from London to Harare to help recover stolen cash and a car. The mermaids — Emma, Charmaine, Sharvine, Bella, and an unnamed Arab fish-woman — were put up at a fancy tourist resort, at the client's expense. They were also provided with cellular phones and electrical generators because local power sources cannot be depended upon since the country was "liberated" from the evil white man.

August 6, 2005

© 2005 Douglas Olson. All rights reserved.
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