www.thornwalker.com/ditch/pivetta_julia.htm

 
May 10, 2012

The Obamanization of Julia
 

By TONY PIVETTA

I've decided to take one for the team. Yes, I actually clicked through the Obama campaign's insufferable "Julia" slide show. I hope you all appreciate it.

As you might expect, the Obamunists got it all wrong. Julia's actual life bears little resemblance to the one the world-improvers envision for her. To wit:
 

AGE 3

Julia's Head Start teacher includes Old Testament stories and the Parables of Christ in her lesson plans. As Julia's mother and the other parents espouse some version of cultural Christianity or other, they have no reason to object to this injection of religion, but word gets back to the HHS bureaucrats, who report it to the BATF and FBI Child Protection Units. Julia barely escapes with her life when the aforementioned Waco Killers assault the erstwhile school building, now transmogrified into a "compound," with flash-bang grenades and CS gas.

AGE 17

Lush funding of the "public" schools does little to advance Julia's education. She absorbs a handful of memes involving Father Abraham, the Greatest Generation, and the role government plays in saving the free market from economic calamity, but her verbal, quantitative, and critical-thinking skills go sorely lacking. She earns a meaningless high school diploma.

AGE 18

Despite poor high school grades and standardized-test scores, Julia's disadvantaged status qualifies her for a Pell Grant and admission to a respectable "public" university. Lacking the requisite academic preparation, she drops out halfway through her sophomore year. The public sees no return on its "investment" in her higher education.

AGE 22

Obama's "free" health care results in overuse of services. Medical licensing continues to restrict market entry. Increased demand and diminished supply can mean only one thing: health-care costs skyrocket. In the face of massive budget deficits, HHS institutes increased co-pays and deductibles. Julia puts off treatment for Type II diabetes and contracts gangrene. Her foot is amputated.

AGE 23

The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act does nothing to enhance Julia's salary. Not only does she lack the requisite skills to secure employment as a web designer, but the Act has deemed her work as an administrative assistant less valuable than that of the left-handed homosexual Eskimo toiling in the mail room.

AGE 25

The massive budget deficits worsen under bipartisan welfare-warfare spending. The Department of Education reneges on its promise to cap Julia's loan repayments and interest rates. Julia moves back home with her mom to help make ends meet.

AGE 27

Julia finds that suitors are few and far between for semi-literate one-footed women living with their mothers. Access to taxpayer-funded contraception becomes a moot point.

AGE 31

Julia eventually meets a young man and gets pregnant. Knowing that government largesse will cover her maternal care, paid leave, and assistance for her dependent child, her boyfriend realizes he's not abandoning them to destitution if he shirks his familial responsibilities. Neither Julia nor the baby ever sees the cad again.

AGE 37

Julia sends her son to the local government school. He's taunted and beaten by a classmate on the playground. Cognizant of their mission to educate the entire public, the government school principal and teacher decide not to discipline the bully. The taunting and beating continue.

AGE 42

Its budget in the red, the Social Security Administration seizes Julia's IRA and 401(k) accounts. As she has no other savings or investments, tax breaks and Small Business Administration loans are not sufficient for her to launch her web-design business. Julia remains stuck in her dead-end clerk's job.

AGE 65

In celebration of her 65th birthday, and her eligibility for Social Security and Medicare, Julia boards a plane bound for Hawaii. She is finally embarking on her life-long dream vacation! Somewhere over Ohio, the airliner is hijacked by Muslim extremists harboring stygian rage at decades of U.S. bombing and blockading of their co-religionists in the Middle East.

Julia dies as her airliner crashes into Chicago's Willis Tower. Unlike Winston Smith, she never gets her chance to love Big Daddy Gov.  Ω

May 10, 2012

Published in 2012 by WTM Enterprises.

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